I didn’t set out to blog about pregnancy loss, but it appears to be my story. This time seems so much harder. I have been angry and despairing. Though I am still very much in the thick of grief and I recognize the need for time and healing.
Declan, you were a good surprise. We rejoiced in your fast little heartbeat, and had so many plans for you. So many people rejoiced with us and prayed for you. Strangers were praying! People offered masses, the due date was the feast of St. Gerard. It all seemed meant to be. I was heartbroken a month later to see your still, little profile on the ultrasound as if lying at rest. When you came I was both comforted and haunted that you were perfect; with 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes. What went wrong?
I want to trust God, accept His will and plans for us. But typical of mothers in this situation, I still blame myself. It must be my fault. I must have worried too much or done something wrong. Sometimes it feels painful to breathe, and I don’t care what happens to me now.
But given the choice, I would still go through this. This child was a gift from God, a miracle. Even if only here for 3 months. A soul that now will only know love of his heavenly Father and not the pain of this world…….How awesome is it to get to participate in that?
Losing a child during Holy Week gives a person ample opportunity to reflect on the Passion and Resurrection. My compassionate Doctor encouraged me to participate in the special liturgies of the week and now I understand his suggestion. Bishop’s homily about how we all carry around a little tomb, and how we all also hope in the resurrection was so timely for me. Literally and spiritually. I wish I had a recording of it. Declan will be buried in Resurrection Cemetery. Hope.
Though struggling I recognize many blessings. And I am blessed with the only husband in this world for me. Even in his own grief, so loving, so attentive, so PATIENT. The best smile & hugs.
❤ M, you are home to me.
I thank God for you, and our family, friends and all those known and anonymous prayer warriors. I have much to be thankful for.
Be patient with me, I forget that sometimes.