August 6th will always be a part of me. Even though we lost the baby in the first trimester, the all important due date is indelible as a tattoo.   We don’t know how many early miscarriages I’ve had, but I carried Seamus the longest. Every second I carried was a blessing.  And even knowing the outcome, I would willingly suffer the pain for him again. My Doctors did everything they could, even when things didn’t look hopeful.  

I’ve never in my life experienced peace and calm as I did when pregnant with Seamus. Maybe it was all the progesterone?  But I prefer to think it was because he was with me. At the end, when I knew he was gone, but they kept me on shots for a week just in case, the peace was gone too.  

In the past year and a half, I have experienced it all.  Grief.  Guilt.  Depression.  Anger.  Jealousy.  Self-hatred.  Acceptance.  Over and over.  Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy in my own skin, like I need to change my life, run away, but I can’t get away from myself.  And, I haven’t been taking care of myself.  

At times I can unite my suffering to Jesus.  Then at other times all I can do is say, “I’m here, God”, because I feel so dry and lost.  I try to remember what Mary went through watching her innocent Son suffer and die for the world.  In that sense, I cannot feel sorry for myself. 

And I’m not alone. To anyone experiencing this, I’m truly sorry for your loss and you are regularly in my prayers. Please know that it’s okay to grieve, even though your child wasn’t born. Life begins at conception.  The first person to recognize Jesus, was an unborn child.  (See Luke 1:41)  God loves us all enough to send his only Son to save us, so we have reason to believe He would save the innocent and the children are alive in heaven.  I believe it’s God’s will that these children are born to fulfill a specific purpose, not to die before birth.  But we live in a broken and sinful world, which has unintended consequences sometimes. 

Things I’ve learned on my own or in talking with others,

  1. Talk about it when you feel you need to, don’t hold it in.
  2. Your husband will not grieve on the same schedule as you.  Just because he seems to have bounced back doesn’t mean that he does not care. 
  3. People with good intentions are going to say horrible things.  You won’t believe what you are hearing.
  4. It will seem that pregnant women are following you, everywhere.  
  5. You may meet some women who struggle with spacing babies, this is a cross too but it isn’t easy to understand in our position.  

  I’ve had to protect myself at times, trust yourself. Reach out for help if you need it, don’t think you have to just move on or get over it. Like all grief its a process.  There are so many miscarriage ministries, counselors and support groups.  I’ve found quite a few resources online.  You should name your child.  We found this beautiful ministry, and enrolled our child’s name.  

Since my earliest memories I’ve wanted to be a mom, but I’m at the end of childbearing age.  I know all things are possible with God. I’ve been trying to reframe my thinking into acceptance.  After 9 years of trying, it isn’t easy to switch from Someday-Mom, to Childless.  What do I do with myself now?  Im writing, working on health, exploring how I can be involved in foster care, and volunteer opportunities.  I feel drawn to pro-life causes.  I’m thinking of taking a class or trip.  I’m trying to be a better wife, and to improve my other relationships. I’m trying to find a new path, to figure out who I’m supposed to be now.


Whole30 day 36

Nothing new to report. Other than, I’m frustratingly in between jeans sizes.  #weightlossproblems  Still following the plan guidelines, and I’m waiting for energy to return.  Exercise is a struggle, sleep seems so important right now!  

I am determined to keep going during the lull, I do not want to repeat my cycle of starting over.  For too many years I’ve tried diet and exercise, only to give in to convenience resulting in guilt.  No more!  I accept there will be snags along the way.  I’m ready to feel energetic and strong, and I understand that I have to work to get there.

I’m so thankful to God for leading me to Whole30, and for the strength to stick with it. I know, it’s all because of Him.  

Dear Husband, you are my hero!  Thank you also to friends, and fellow bloggers for encouragement and inspiration!ūüėä  We can do this!

“The secret to happiness is to live moment by moment and to thank God for all that He, in His goodness sends to us day after day.”  St. Gianna Beretta Molla

hit a wall

Whole30 Day 33:  

Results:  Unfortunately I didn’t measure before I began, but i did weigh and I lost 17 lbs!

I was feeling so great, I was on a roll.  I haven’t reintroduced anything yet. I decided to keep going because I felt fine. 

Only, now I don’t feel well.  I do realize that thirty-plus days cannot reverse some of the conditions that I deal with, but its very disheartening  all the same.   I recognized the symptoms.  Nausea followed by soreness and fatigue, and then not getting anywhere with exercise. Yesterday, I couldn’t complete one blogilates video.  And I’m craving sweets again. I’m so disgusted!

But, I’m not giving up.  The fact is that I’m going to feel sick once a month, I have struggled with this for years. Maybe its one of the reasons I’ve given up in the past?  

My strategy when PCOS rears her head?  Exercise gently.  Eat a sweet potato.  Curl up with a book. Because hopefully I will be back to feeling great in a few days.  And, maybe after time sticking with it, I will heal.  And if not, then its my suffering to bear,  and in the scheme of the problems in our world today, this is small.  

In any case, lesson learned. 

I ‚̧ exercise…kinda

Somewhere along the line, I picked up the idea that exercise shouldn’t hurt.  I’m not sure where I heard it, some exercise video or class. And I know my interpretation, was not the original intent of the speaker.  So I give up, its so easy to think, “I’ll rest now, and get stronger later.”

Lately I found myself pushing through, thinking, it will only hurt for a little bit, don’t waste this.  And its true, very quickly everything is fine. This was reiterated over and over by trainer Cassey Ho in her Blogilates videos.   So, I probably picked it up subliminally after working out with her daily. Though, I wish I had learned it sooner.  

Now finding that exercise actually feels good, I wonder how many times my body was craving movement but I ate a snack instead?  I can see how my body has been craving exercise, and nutrition. 

My husband commented that I seem to be more even emotionally too.  I struggle with hormone balance, and I seem to have the opposite reaction to the medications that Doctors prescribe to me.

  • Wouldn’t it be sad and crazy if all this time all I needed was:  exercise+Whole30?  
  • Before I beat myself up too much, I need to remember all the times I did try to make change, and learn from it.

Whole30 day28 

I’m still hanging in there. At this point its become pretty easy, but I have some anxiety about re-introducing things.  I just have to take a deep breath, and keep moving.  


What motivates me now

Because, it’s so easy to just do this.

Unfortunately I haven’t had the most healthy relationship with my body. Around 12 years of age,¬†¬†I stopped going to dance class and playing outside. ¬†And I look back in horror at my eating, and exercise habits. (We won’t mention the hairstyles.) ¬†Instead of a nutritious lunch we would have soda and candy from the snack bar. Seriously, what was our school district thinking?

Since, then I tried every diet ever invented, but I always fail. ¬†At different times, I’ve been determined to exercise only to put it off and stop all together. I’ve always noticed that I can take off 15-20 lbs but it’s so much easier to gain 30 back. ¬†You do the math. ¬†Though I have picked up better habits over the years, I haven’t made any lasting change.

Now I’m at the point where I want to feel good. Its way more than weight loss, I’m seeking vitality. I don’t want to be exhausted, sick and unfulfilled. ¬†Everyday just getting through the day, usually in a fog. ¬†I’m sure that is not the person that God intended me to be. ¬†So, how does a person like me make a change? ¬†Especially when I have tried and failed so many times over the years. ¬†For me the change must be radical. I have to defeat my unhealthy relationship with food. Cutting back on calories or sweets might work for some people, but not for me.


Food¬†Goal: ¬†Whole30. ¬†I’m on day 19, and I no longer obsess about bread and sugar. It might seem extreme to some, but this is a big deal for me. ¬†Though hard at first, now I feel like I could go longer than 30 days and not feel deprived. ¬†I’m eating healthy whole foods, and I don’t feel like a slave to unhealthy cravings. ¬†I no longer have a mid-day slump,¬†I go from waking to bedtime with sustained energy. I’m learning new recipes and trying foods I’ve never cooked before. ¬†Yes, some days I don’t feel like eating protein and vegetables, and I’ve made peace with that I just eat smaller meals. ¬†I’m listening to my body, and how different foods make me feel.

Exercise goal:  I have to find exercise that is fun and goal oriented.

  1. Zumba: ¬†This is a fun activity that doesn’t feel like exercise to me. ¬†It doesn’t get boring and repetitive like regular aerobics. ¬†I think the music and movement remind me of my dancing past. ¬†Its a good sweat. ¬†Even if I look funny while doing it. ¬†12c920104e85c86cb79b0048bb57e93a
  2. Blogilates: ¬†Pilates based fitness from creator Cassey Ho. ¬†The YouTube videos are great. ¬†She developed an app so that you can easily access and categorize the videos, you can also subscribe to exercise calendars which she updates monthly. ¬†These exercise videos are usually pretty short 5-10 minutes, so you can squeeze them in while making dinner or getting ready for work. It makes me feel so accomplished, when I check¬†off¬†the videos I have completed in the app, or I can redo my favorites. ¬†And¬†I love Cassey’s¬†positive can-do attitude, she is inspiring.
  3. Couch 2 5K:¬† This one is a real challenge for me, I was the girl in P.E. who walked the track during Presidential Fitness tests! ¬†I’m not fast, and I’m still walking for most of it. ¬†But this is about finishing a goal, a way to measure progress. There are several apps for this. ¬†I have also found great articles about beginning a program in running magazines. There are so many exciting races to participate in, whether color, mud or zombie. ¬†You can even run for charity. ¬†The training apps allow you to compete with friends or you can just compete with yourself.
My two best sled pullers exercise motivators!

Motivation: ¬†I’ve notified my friends and family of what I’m doing, and I’ve had positive support from them. ¬†My husband is not participating in the Whole30. But,¬†I could not have made it through the first week without him, who wants to prepare 3 meals a day from scratch while exhausted? ¬†He has been a trooper, eating all the food I prepare and even likes¬†most of it better than store-bought. ¬†I’m looking forward to all the things I want to do¬†now. ¬†I want to go zip-lining, and participate in races. ¬†We hope to travel in the next few years. ¬†Etc. ¬†Chiefly, I want to be a more “present” wife, family member and friend.

The # 1 thing I’m doing differently this time is prayer, because I cannot do this alone.

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† Jesus looked at them and said, ‚ÄúFor human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.‚ÄĚ ¬†Matthew 19:26

How do you stay motivated to exercise and eat healthy?  How have you made lasting change?  Do you have exercise tips?

Why I’m here

I wanted to practice the habit of writing regularly, and to venture out of my comfort zone. Journaling isn’t really a challenge,¬†when I journal¬†I’m not concerned with appearance and spelling. ¬†Or grammar for that matter! ¬†I know I will learn new skills as I blog. ¬†And I really want to stretch my creative thinking. (And most likely will make a more than a few mistakes. ¬†NOTE: I make up words.)

I often wish that I had more creative hobbies, or that I tried new things. My usual routine includes three things; church, full-time employment and part-time housewifery.  I procrastinate and lose sight of any hobby or outside activity that I try.

So, I’m trying to make a habit of something that doesn’t include pinning recipes I will never try, or scrolling through friends likes. Enter the blog challenge.

Moving boldly onward

I may be forced into job change in the future, and it has caused me to reflect. I’m ashamed of all the times that the young me held back for fear of failure. I see a few missed chances. But deep down, I want to be one of those no regrets people. So I’m trying to learn from my mistakes. I want to take a few chances, and not worry about the outcome. I mean, life goal wise, not in a radical value change way. Okay, truth? ¬†I dont want to be a total wimp in interviews. ¬†Hopefully. I’m brave enough to do it. ¬†Or is caution a basic personality trait?

Whole 30, day 14. I can tell I’ve lost weight, and I don’t have indigestion at all. YAY! ¬†But I’m feeling like I could eat something off-plan. I’m determined to complete at least 30 days. Soon I’m supposed to experience energy, and I’m supposed to have more confidence, and want to try new hobbies. I do have more energy at work. Though the house isn’t perfectly clean, and I’ve no interest in skydiving or anything….so maybe not there yet.

And finally, I think I’m done with Summer. Is there anyplace with three seasons? ¬†Think cold….think cold……

My Whole30 Day 11

I’m conquering the sugar dragon and hanging in there.   Days 2-8 were kinda hard for me, due to the fact that I didn’t want to eat meat, at all….  Which kinda defeats the purpose! Work was really a struggle days 4-7, major exhaustion and intermittent brain fog.

But YAY!  I haven’t had a craving for toast in days, so maybe I’m on the way up?  Zero indigestion since day 1!  Belly is already less bloated. I don’t have crazy energy, but I’m not pushing myself to workout either, so my fault. Its a little time consuming, I think the whole thing would have been easier if M did this at the same time?  Shopping for two different meal plans, making two different dinners….well you get it.

Its a journey, hope I am successful.